Let's Talk About...
Public urination.
No, no, no — stick with me for a second. Sheesh, some of you are sensitive! I bet you also deny you pass gas (read: fart) or hiccup (read: belch). You're also the one that always has "stomach problems" when what you really have is a colon problem called DIARRHEA. We know who you are. You aren't fooling us.
But I digress (as I usually have to do here). Let me lay the foundation for my perspective real quick-like: I like urinals.
I've always wanted to have one in my house, but as you can probably guess, I've been wanting for a long time. I can't even get one in the bathroom in our garage. So, when I must use a public "facility," I go straight for the urinals 9 times out of 10.
As an aside, at 32 years of age, I'm still enough of a goof-off to be sure and pick the short urinal (the short ones meant for little kids, ladies) in hopes that a little kid will come in and be forced to use one of the Big Boy urinals. Yeah, it's mean — get over it. He should have been there first.
However, as much as I like urinals, there are times when I don't like to use them: when the adjacent ones are occupied. Maybe it's because I'm 6'4" and fairly broad shouldered, but I'm not a big fan of doing my business while some other dude's doing his, all the while, my shoulder is mere inches away from touching him. That's not normal. I know we humans still have animal instincts and all, and we're somewhat pack-oriented — but there were never any mass, public urinations in our history (that I know of). Look at the animal kingdom: dogs are whizzin' left and right on anything they can get a pee-line on — but they don't all run to the same tree at once and have a go.
This brings up the urinal's ugly second cousin: the urinal trough.
Holy crapola. Those dadgum Romans and their free-thinking, that's all I can say. For those of you who don't know about The Trough, it's just what you think it is: a really long toilet bowl designed for simultaneous, multi-person use. This device should be banned.
Now we come to the best urinal of all — the one all urinals aspire to become: the floor urinal. Get a load of this sweet ride:
All the benefits of a wall urinal, plus the Neanderthal-like empowerment of peeing on the floor. It just doesn't get any better than this! (For those of you that live in my home town, "The Local" has a floor urinal that I'm quite fond of.)
My point is this: I think urinals are too close together. Sure, some places put that little 2x4 rectangle on the wall, but they put it about 12 inches too low to afford anyone any real privacy. There's always some dadgum weirdo — or the potential for there to be. This is a good time to offer a public urination etiquette refresher:
1. Upon entering a public restroom, if more than one urinal is present, you should always go to the urinal farthest from the door. This rule is only trumped when you choose to use the little kid urinal like I do.
2. Never use a urinal next to a urinal that's already in use. It's just like at the movies: always leave a seat in between. Violating this rule can lead to having one's teeth knocked out or feet peed upon.
3. Keep your eyes on the wall in front of you. Some men keep their heads down while at urinals, which is a sure sign of weakness. Urinate with confidence, or go look for the door labeled "LADIES."
4. Don't talk. Some men get all scared when they hear men talking to one another while standing at urinals, so it's best to keep quiet. This rule is trumped when the men at the urinals decide to heckle the men in the stalls. One should also remember that the last man to leave the urinal wall is also the one that turns out the light on the men in the stalls.
5. I don't have time to type anything else because I have to go pee.
No, no, no — stick with me for a second. Sheesh, some of you are sensitive! I bet you also deny you pass gas (read: fart) or hiccup (read: belch). You're also the one that always has "stomach problems" when what you really have is a colon problem called DIARRHEA. We know who you are. You aren't fooling us.
But I digress (as I usually have to do here). Let me lay the foundation for my perspective real quick-like: I like urinals.
I've always wanted to have one in my house, but as you can probably guess, I've been wanting for a long time. I can't even get one in the bathroom in our garage. So, when I must use a public "facility," I go straight for the urinals 9 times out of 10.
As an aside, at 32 years of age, I'm still enough of a goof-off to be sure and pick the short urinal (the short ones meant for little kids, ladies) in hopes that a little kid will come in and be forced to use one of the Big Boy urinals. Yeah, it's mean — get over it. He should have been there first.
However, as much as I like urinals, there are times when I don't like to use them: when the adjacent ones are occupied. Maybe it's because I'm 6'4" and fairly broad shouldered, but I'm not a big fan of doing my business while some other dude's doing his, all the while, my shoulder is mere inches away from touching him. That's not normal. I know we humans still have animal instincts and all, and we're somewhat pack-oriented — but there were never any mass, public urinations in our history (that I know of). Look at the animal kingdom: dogs are whizzin' left and right on anything they can get a pee-line on — but they don't all run to the same tree at once and have a go.
This brings up the urinal's ugly second cousin: the urinal trough.
Holy crapola. Those dadgum Romans and their free-thinking, that's all I can say. For those of you who don't know about The Trough, it's just what you think it is: a really long toilet bowl designed for simultaneous, multi-person use. This device should be banned.
Now we come to the best urinal of all — the one all urinals aspire to become: the floor urinal. Get a load of this sweet ride:
All the benefits of a wall urinal, plus the Neanderthal-like empowerment of peeing on the floor. It just doesn't get any better than this! (For those of you that live in my home town, "The Local" has a floor urinal that I'm quite fond of.)
My point is this: I think urinals are too close together. Sure, some places put that little 2x4 rectangle on the wall, but they put it about 12 inches too low to afford anyone any real privacy. There's always some dadgum weirdo — or the potential for there to be. This is a good time to offer a public urination etiquette refresher:
1. Upon entering a public restroom, if more than one urinal is present, you should always go to the urinal farthest from the door. This rule is only trumped when you choose to use the little kid urinal like I do.
2. Never use a urinal next to a urinal that's already in use. It's just like at the movies: always leave a seat in between. Violating this rule can lead to having one's teeth knocked out or feet peed upon.
3. Keep your eyes on the wall in front of you. Some men keep their heads down while at urinals, which is a sure sign of weakness. Urinate with confidence, or go look for the door labeled "LADIES."
4. Don't talk. Some men get all scared when they hear men talking to one another while standing at urinals, so it's best to keep quiet. This rule is trumped when the men at the urinals decide to heckle the men in the stalls. One should also remember that the last man to leave the urinal wall is also the one that turns out the light on the men in the stalls.
5. I don't have time to type anything else because I have to go pee.
posted by Maury @ 2:31 PM Permalink | 7 comments so far 
7 Comments:
When I have the spare wompum to buy/build it, I want a nice Ethan Allen armoire in the living room. It will disguise a urinal. I will position it 90 degrees off from the big screen TV so I don't even have to use the pause button on the DVR. Nirvana.
Like hell you will.
< comic book guy >
Best. Post. Ever.
< /comic book guy >
//k
p.s.: ...and I thought I was the only one who wanted to install a urinal in their home!
Rock On! I always loved the floor urinals... I remember when I was four years old and went into the restroom with my dad. When we could find a floor urinal, it was like a treasure! I could feel like a big boy... I would not even have to stand on my tippy toes. And yes, I could giggle about peeing on the floor. I still get excited to this day... If I remember, I am sure I got excited at the Local too... Wow, after all these years, we have the love of floor urinals in common. That is awesome! I never knew.
There's one urinal experience you left out: pissing on the side of a church.
Note: I only say it because it's true, thanks to those crazy medieval Europeans.
This comment has been removed by the author.
If you want a urinal in the home, I say install one - it's simple. Problems clearing it with the chief? I installed one, and my wife was a total convert - she loved the fact that it got all of us men in the house off her equipment. Now she's feels like a real Queen with her own throne.
http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q121/mystreba/Dscf0024.jpg
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